she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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