he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
