what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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