I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
