I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Panties = found
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
