k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
