The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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