I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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