My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
