I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
