He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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