Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
