im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
