Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize