If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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