just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
