I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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