I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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