i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
