Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
