The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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