He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
