My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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