I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
