shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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