She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
