I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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