Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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