I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
