im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
This toilet bowl is my home.
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