How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
