I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
