how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
