good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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