Just fell off a train. Bad.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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