he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
