i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
