Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
the condom got lost in my hair
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
