ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
