Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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