I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize