so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
