Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
