Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
