Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
