My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
