Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
