Apparently you make a good broom.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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