I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
time to smoke my breakfast
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
