i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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