You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
