i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
