Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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