If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
