He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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