my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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