I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
