i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
