u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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