Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
