I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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